D.C. McCallister: Research shows that countries with tight gun control don’t have fewer suicides. People just use other things to kill themselves.
Several years ago, I walked into my garage, closed the door, climbed into my car, and turned on the engine. I sat in the front seat listening to Pink Floyd as gas filled up the car. I wanted to die.
I wrote about this shortly after Robin Williams committed suicide in 2014. I was overcome with despair, the difficulties and failures of life, broken promises, broken lives—much of it caused by me. I didn’t think I was good for anyone. I had convinced myself that it would be better for everyone—my husband, my children, my parents—if I just ceased to exist.
Tears burned my eyes, but they refused to fall. Pain spread out from my chest in waves, sending tingles through my fingers. I rubbed them, but the pinpricks remained. I longed to feel numb, but all I felt was an ache that scraped from within. Despair had grabbed hold of me and wouldn’t let go. It was as if I was locked in that strained moment between sudden grief and the cleansing release of tears. I bent over the steering wheel and wailed. I wished I could vomit up every dark feeling, the hopelessness, the loneliness, the fear. But they wouldn’t come. The pain remained, crushing me, driving me to the only place I thought to find release. Only the grave would give me peace. Only death would set me free. Then I would be numb. Then I would feel nothing.
That was my state of mind—despair. I just wanted to close my eyes, breathe in the fumes, and disappear.
I know what it’s like to become overwhelmed with depression and feel like even death would be better than the daily drudgery of living. That’s why when I read Goldie Taylor’s post at The Daily Beast about suicide, “The Guns We Don’t Talk About,” I could relate so well to her story. I could sympathize with her pain.
With great sensitivity, she writes about how she couldn’t face the hardships of her life any longer. Death was her only choice, or so it seemed in the moment.
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